21

I use to run until I threw up
That way I knew I couldn't push my body any further
maxed out
and then
I would cry
each kilometer feels better and better

I like going to the gym

I feed off of everyone else's energy

the hardcore girl with the skipping rope

the man shaking, drawing upon his last strength to lift the weights

their energy feeds into me

and pushes me farther and faster

I see that hill I use to hate

pick up pace going up the hill,

pick the pace up

pick .... up ... the ... pace ...

I get angry

sometimes scared at how much anger can well inside my little body

I think of the beast that pushed me into the wall, broke my wrist and knocked me unconscious

I got up and they put the ball in my hand

it rolls of my wrist and I do what I hate in every girl

cry on the court

in front of the entire boys team

they suspended her from the tournament

but they should have suspended her from life

she was mad because I drove her hard every time

while now I'm mad...

and I run faster

breath harder

My knees start to hurt.

Push through the pain:

its nothing

push through the pain!

Push.

Then I cant remember

shoot..

am I on lap 45 or 46?

SHOOT

keep going

now each kilometer gets harder and harder

I scream in my head

I think of Mathew and scream louder

Its not your fault
It had nothing to do with you

Im on the brink and I want to give so badly
born weak

don't give in, don't give in Natalie, please don't give up

you need this

I walk lap 113

Im bored

and I have to go to the bathroom

Breathing is harder

push through the pain

its not real

and then I give