red jumpsuit

It was like that time when I was standing at the front
It was hot out, and people were pushing
They were all bigger than me and excited to see the set
And then I started to go again, the sweat began to break, and my vision tunneled
My body felt tingly and weak
I didnt even know if I was breathing or not
Probably not.
Someone noticed.
I felt hands around my waist and my tiny shoes slowly…slipped…off... my tiny feet

I woke up in a security guards arms
My shoes and a bottle of fresh water close at hand
And she came to meet me
We’d missed out again.
Because of me.
we didn’t hear one song

ghost lake

I never expected to be the last one
Hang on until youre the only one left
And really, it gets old being up there all alone

ashley pinto

He looked at me and said, Natalie,
and then tapped his two fingers against the front of his bald black head and said,
find a place in here, where you can sleep
that’s what I wanted to do so badly
Sleep.
And forget everything
I wished so many times my memory would fail me
But she never did
She just kept storing pictures and sounds and smells
Painful places
And everytime a strip had been torn off my heart and never returned,
Left for dead in the wayside
She remembered

So repeat the phrase
Ive seen harder days
So this should be ok

what I hate Today 2

Even though I barely remember,
I know,
I sobbed bare naked in your arms for the second time

If it weren’t for my abrasive childish mannerism
Maybe social grace could have saved this
The social façade
It keeps me floating still
It drowns the memories of what I hate
I hate that you’ve slept in this bed with me
And that you drove me home
I hate that you kiss my back in the morning when you leave
And then you leave me alone

had

Shouldve left my heart at the door
To match my clothes on your hotel floor
I fell in love with your dark brown curly hair
We layed in bed and said the Lords Prayer
If this keeps up they’ll start to whisper
She is such a little…

And the time came when the risk to remain
Was much more painful
Than the risk it took to abstain

We talked of sin
Moments before your fingers transpired my skin
Familiar strangers were around
And then slowly your softness slid down
If this keeps up they’ll start to whisper
She’s been all over …

And the time came when the risk to remain
Was far more painful
Than the risk it took to abstain

Would Have
Have
Have me
I Have been Had

angel

No matter how nice it was outside
It was always cold on the back porch

Like the aura of the house
The mansion
I had to sit and watch
I couldn’t get the water out of her lungs
I couldn’t get the blood out of her brain
Her blue eyes teared and it tore
She kept my secrets
But she never knew the truth
That even though I stood by with a loving hand
It was her that gave me strength
I needed her
The loneliness was too real with her gone
And I couldn’t clot her blood

What I hate Today

What I hate today is security.
You have security
and I dont
Youre free
You could go home with any of the pretty girls that love you
and you love the attention they give
I am bound.
I was self conscious before, now my self image is shattered
I could never.

I hate that you didnt see me run today
and that you werent proud of me
I hate that you didnt listen to all the songs I did today
and they didnt make you think of me

I hate how I had a million things to say,
and only got two of them out
and I wonder if you even truly cared

I hate that I didnt run into you today at starbucks
like I'd planned out in my head
and I couldnt look upon you with disdain, shed a tear and say,
'I have to go back to work now.'
...and you would follow.

I hate that you didnt see me knee deep in beets,
peeling and cutting and freezing and steaming
and then laugh when the girls did at my blood red hands

I hate that youre satisfied
out of vindictiveness
I would love to severely inconvenience you
or put you out on the line
but the gentle part of my heart wouldnt allow it

21

I use to run until I threw up
That way I knew I couldn't push my body any further
maxed out
and then
I would cry
each kilometer feels better and better

I like going to the gym

I feed off of everyone else's energy

the hardcore girl with the skipping rope

the man shaking, drawing upon his last strength to lift the weights

their energy feeds into me

and pushes me farther and faster

I see that hill I use to hate

pick up pace going up the hill,

pick the pace up

pick .... up ... the ... pace ...

I get angry

sometimes scared at how much anger can well inside my little body

I think of the beast that pushed me into the wall, broke my wrist and knocked me unconscious

I got up and they put the ball in my hand

it rolls of my wrist and I do what I hate in every girl

cry on the court

in front of the entire boys team

they suspended her from the tournament

but they should have suspended her from life

she was mad because I drove her hard every time

while now I'm mad...

and I run faster

breath harder

My knees start to hurt.

Push through the pain:

its nothing

push through the pain!

Push.

Then I cant remember

shoot..

am I on lap 45 or 46?

SHOOT

keep going

now each kilometer gets harder and harder

I scream in my head

I think of Mathew and scream louder

Its not your fault
It had nothing to do with you

Im on the brink and I want to give so badly
born weak

don't give in, don't give in Natalie, please don't give up

you need this

I walk lap 113

Im bored

and I have to go to the bathroom

Breathing is harder

push through the pain

its not real

and then I give

TOM. R.

understand
im sarcastic about almost everything
I struggle more with pride and pretentiousness rather than low self esteem
Ive never wanted to get married and have kids, until very recently
but it seems like its going to be an issue
I think everything is funny
and giggle myself to sleep about the stupidest things
my bed is rarely empty
and often overcrowded
Ive given up on everything
except music
so passionate.
I use to get asked to sing and play all the time until I started saying no
now I never get asked; regret
its hard to get up and share myself anyway
I have to perform daily damage control
in reckless mode.

when you left so did the noise
it was dead silent
your bottom line is you look good with me
I cant deal with your social insecurities.
The lady who was waiting had me read her horoscope out loud
even though we were strangers it wasn't awkward
the venue was inappropriate
I'm just kidding myself again

repercussions

crying is a consequence
alone is a side effect
I'm not feeling very funny today
The hotel burning down last night
feels like a metaphor for my life

polyandry

Cognitive dissonance
contempt for the happy couple and their new baby on the way.
One person. One life.
He didn't want me
My sins justify your behavior
its tacit
everything's busted
she sits in the back and bites her lip
a self proclaimed witch for sure
he scuffed his feet when he walked...and it use to piss me off
that pretty girl from high school
sitting at a cold table in the cold wind
being the only one. Truly.
the personal fable does not apply
The guy in the convenience store dumps his life problems on me
I tell him not to work so hard and get some rest.
They always stare when I walk down the hall and I don't know why.
Not understanding frustrates me,
it doesn't matter how I'm dressed or if I'm wearing make up or not...
I just try to not make eye contact
Being outside ...
and being silly in the morning.
How many days in a row can you cry before it becomes a problem?
He rocks an 'N' on his suspenders for Noble
But he is anything but noble
I need something credible, something incredible
the leader left behind,
still in first place running to catch up
I write for attention:
like the Nikiska rail-grind-back flip, they all clapped for
It was an accident.
Imogen: pure
not anymore
Who?
I am Imogen
good at disappearing
still around but not seen
ask
excited for the witch hunt
but those things have a way of getting out of hand.

the real deal emo trash

It was like that time in Edworthy park...when I was in second place, I was right behind her. I was about to overtake her and win the gold. Then mom yelled my name to cheer me on. The girl realized how close I was to passing and sped up. I hopelessly couldn't keep up with her and settled for second.

The next time was June 24th, the worst day of the year. Mom wanted to come support me and unintentionally made me late for the race. I was at the registration table when the gun went off. I asked what I should do? He smiled at me and said, `start running!` Even though it turned out to be my best time for that summer I still sobbed like a baby in the bathroom after.