21

I use to run until I threw up
That way I knew I couldn't push my body any further
maxed out
and then
I would cry
each kilometer feels better and better

I like going to the gym

I feed off of everyone else's energy

the hardcore girl with the skipping rope

the man shaking, drawing upon his last strength to lift the weights

their energy feeds into me

and pushes me farther and faster

I see that hill I use to hate

pick up pace going up the hill,

pick the pace up

pick .... up ... the ... pace ...

I get angry

sometimes scared at how much anger can well inside my little body

I think of the beast that pushed me into the wall, broke my wrist and knocked me unconscious

I got up and they put the ball in my hand

it rolls of my wrist and I do what I hate in every girl

cry on the court

in front of the entire boys team

they suspended her from the tournament

but they should have suspended her from life

she was mad because I drove her hard every time

while now I'm mad...

and I run faster

breath harder

My knees start to hurt.

Push through the pain:

its nothing

push through the pain!

Push.

Then I cant remember

shoot..

am I on lap 45 or 46?

SHOOT

keep going

now each kilometer gets harder and harder

I scream in my head

I think of Mathew and scream louder

Its not your fault
It had nothing to do with you

Im on the brink and I want to give so badly
born weak

don't give in, don't give in Natalie, please don't give up

you need this

I walk lap 113

Im bored

and I have to go to the bathroom

Breathing is harder

push through the pain

its not real

and then I give

TOM. R.

understand
im sarcastic about almost everything
I struggle more with pride and pretentiousness rather than low self esteem
Ive never wanted to get married and have kids, until very recently
but it seems like its going to be an issue
I think everything is funny
and giggle myself to sleep about the stupidest things
my bed is rarely empty
and often overcrowded
Ive given up on everything
except music
so passionate.
I use to get asked to sing and play all the time until I started saying no
now I never get asked; regret
its hard to get up and share myself anyway
I have to perform daily damage control
in reckless mode.

when you left so did the noise
it was dead silent
your bottom line is you look good with me
I cant deal with your social insecurities.
The lady who was waiting had me read her horoscope out loud
even though we were strangers it wasn't awkward
the venue was inappropriate
I'm just kidding myself again

repercussions

crying is a consequence
alone is a side effect
I'm not feeling very funny today
The hotel burning down last night
feels like a metaphor for my life

polyandry

Cognitive dissonance
contempt for the happy couple and their new baby on the way.
One person. One life.
He didn't want me
My sins justify your behavior
its tacit
everything's busted
she sits in the back and bites her lip
a self proclaimed witch for sure
he scuffed his feet when he walked...and it use to piss me off
that pretty girl from high school
sitting at a cold table in the cold wind
being the only one. Truly.
the personal fable does not apply
The guy in the convenience store dumps his life problems on me
I tell him not to work so hard and get some rest.
They always stare when I walk down the hall and I don't know why.
Not understanding frustrates me,
it doesn't matter how I'm dressed or if I'm wearing make up or not...
I just try to not make eye contact
Being outside ...
and being silly in the morning.
How many days in a row can you cry before it becomes a problem?
He rocks an 'N' on his suspenders for Noble
But he is anything but noble
I need something credible, something incredible
the leader left behind,
still in first place running to catch up
I write for attention:
like the Nikiska rail-grind-back flip, they all clapped for
It was an accident.
Imogen: pure
not anymore
Who?
I am Imogen
good at disappearing
still around but not seen
ask
excited for the witch hunt
but those things have a way of getting out of hand.

the real deal emo trash

It was like that time in Edworthy park...when I was in second place, I was right behind her. I was about to overtake her and win the gold. Then mom yelled my name to cheer me on. The girl realized how close I was to passing and sped up. I hopelessly couldn't keep up with her and settled for second.

The next time was June 24th, the worst day of the year. Mom wanted to come support me and unintentionally made me late for the race. I was at the registration table when the gun went off. I asked what I should do? He smiled at me and said, `start running!` Even though it turned out to be my best time for that summer I still sobbed like a baby in the bathroom after.